open mic....my story and yours

One of my favorite books of the Bible is John. He details the path to God so clearly, and at times, he makes God seem so close...like the friend that He is.

I have learned much, and have much to learn in life. But what I have learned isn't simply information or fiction that means little as we grow older. I've learned painfully through experience. Something a lot of us that have endured life trials will be able to identify with.

My story is a story of thankfulness. At the time of year that it is, I feel that submitting this open letter to my blog for you to read may be of some comfort to all of you that clicked on a link or typed my address into the search bar. No one is without a story.

My story may not be special to anyone else, but it is the story of how I came to know Christ personally and how I became the person that I am. He helped me get through emotional pain. Raw pain. Rejection by those I thought were friends, but His open arms of Salvation extended. Family death, and new life. Worry and contentment. Ungratefulness and thankfulness.

I'm about to get really raw on here, uncomfortably raw. And it is not like last time when I talk about what God is teaching me.

It's about being thankful for what He has already taught to me. 

This is about the person that He is saving from destruction by His Grace every single day. 

Yup, this person right here. 

Let me start off by stating right now that I simply DO NOT believe people can do "whatever they want because I am saved". That is not what I am here to prove about myself, because I do not sin because I know I am saved anyway. I sin because it is sin nature and I am an imperfect and fallible human being no matter how hard I try not to be. Just as you are.

I struggle with a lot of things, and there are things that try their best to bind me. Even simple things to understand; like time, fear, and pride. My three biggest enemies from over the years. 

TIME- is a fear, challenge, and enemy. 

I don't want to lose it, so I ask God to give it. I run out of it, so I challenge myself to manage it. It succeeds in racing past me as I grasp at straws to get it back.

FEAR- binds me, holds me back, keeps me from moving forward, and gives me every reason to quit running the race.

PRIDE- keeps me from building relationships, opening my heart up to potential relationships with those who have hurt me, and asking for forgiveness of those whom I have needlessly hurt. 

Some things have happened in my life to accentuate these bad traits of mine. While I recognize that Christ redeems, I realize that I will never live a truly peaceful life until I do my part to be at peace, forgive, and humble myself. 

I was born as the 3rd child into a family of what is soon to be 8 children (eighth by adoption). Life was peaceful for a long time, or at least I thought it was. I was unaware of anything that ever troubled my parents in their "Adult world". I liked it that way. 

Then 2009 came and went with two horse accidents and a car accident that could very well have claimed the lives of four family members, but did not. I am fortunate and blessed to have these four people in my life to this day. One is my younger brother; I teach him and helped him learn to read 5 years after the accident. The other is my younger sister; a feisty girl but full of life and everything I lack. Another is my father; who turned 50 years old a year ago this month and continues to advance in both his career and his leadership as a father of now eight. And finally, the last is my older brother. A friend, a listener, a levelheaded counselor, and a patient person over all. If my life was without all of these people, it would be so incredibly empty.

(Exactly five years after the accident (to the day), I watched my sister get married. My father was alive to walk her down the aisle, my little brother was alive to be the ring bearer, my younger sister was alive to be a bridesmaid, and my older brother was a groomsman.)

For two years between 2009 and 2012, life seemed to level out at home, but mama's life began to be spread thin. My maternal Grandmother's health was beginning to fail rapidly and mama was often called to stay nights with them as Grandma could not take care of the home she had insisted on remaining in with my grandfather. It was tough and my older sister was forced to mature and quickly learned the amount of stamina it took to run a household without mama there. 

So they were good years, and full of the blessings of pulling together, but tough beyond what others around us could sense. 

2012 was another hard year. But the difference between this one and the two before it was that there seemed to be little good in it. December 2011, my Grandfather fell and broke his hip while adjusting the tarp covering the pool in his backyard. Being my Grandma's other primary caregiver, life became more difficult for the two of them which began to put a larger strain on mama and her older sister. 

He stayed in rehab for a short time, and then went home to recover. It was slow, but we were surprised and joyful that he did recover in time. But not before something else happened. 

A freak accident landed my Grandmother in the hospital on the Thursday after Easter April 2012. Her spine was cracked, but due running into medical risk, the doctors decided against surgery to amend the problem. My Grandma had every health problem under the sun, and she had for years. Breast cancer as a younger woman, congestive heart failure up until her death, and gout that bound her hands, back, and feet in pain; especially during the last few years leading up to her death. One drug led to another as her doctors prescribed additional meds to alleviate the problems in her body caused by others. 

She died 3 weeks later on May 5 at 67 years old. 

It was too soon for me, and as a young teen, I felt cheated out of the only involved Grandmother and real friend I had during my childhood. My siblings all felt the same. It was a Summer of tears and reliving memories as we laughed and cried going through her things with family. So many emotions, so much joy, so much pain....I oftentimes began to feel bitter and my pride kept me from reliving my pain in front of others. Dad has always made a point of encouraging his children to be persevering, and Mama encouraged us to talk about our feelings. But I didn't. I didn't want to be made fun of for being emotional. I didn't want to be gullible and the one who always cried. 

And I didn't realize I was still like that until the other day when my Dad said, "I can't remember the last time I've seen you cry." I laughed nervously, but it is true. I don't show emotion because I'm afraid to be thought less of. I don't talk about what is troubling me. That is what my seven journals hold in their pages, so I don't feel the need to speak them orally. Essentially, I'm prideful this way. It's a sin to care so much about what others think of you, but I did and I often do. It's a choice between "me confidence" and "God confidence".  

That's part of the reason why I sat down to spend hours writing a blog post. People should know the person whose blog they are reading. Every single detail. :)

Moving on....

Later that same year, some conflict arose in the church we had been attending for a while and we decided to ride it out for a couple of months to see if things would settle. When they didn't, I had to say goodbye to every friend I had. Everybody in our family had built lifelong relationships with people in that church and the pain of not being able to see these people anymore, due to the distance we traveled to church, was not pleasant.

But the pain of some of those friends rejecting me and the way I was seemed to hurt even more. I tried to stay the same and stay in contact, but few of them did the same. I allowed their rejection to define me as a young teenager. A lot of teens struggle with this.

2014 brought the joyful relationship and marriage of my sister to her husband. We all rejoiced with her! It was a year of change, but a year of joy. (And also the year I learned to redevelop and direct my horrible social skills and home skills, LOL)  Anyone with married siblings will agree. :)

A week after my sister's wedding, God showed us that He wasn't finished showing us His power yet.
My Dad was whisked from his office by ambulance to the emergency room. Symptoms were slurred speech, weakness on one side of his body, and inability to breath. He later told his older children privately that as he was on his way to the hospital, he felt his spirit begin to leave him. He thought that it was it and he was dying. But God restored him back to us 4 days later. At first glance, Doctors were thinking it was a stroke, but further tests showed to be negative. We still are not sure to this day, but he is here on this earth and he is OK!

_________________________________________________________________________

God replaced something inside of me through these different life events, and what He did didn't take away my pride, my fear, and everything related to pain....., but it gave me hope. I firmly believe that hope in Christ alone is enough to conquer all three of those weaknesses. I'm a testament to that.

My family is alive. I am thankful for that. My sister was kicked twice by two different horses in the same year. The first time she was kicked in the head, and then went home from the ER the same day with nothing but a bruise. She was kicked in the spleen and suffered a near rupture. God was there, God healed, and God brought her back home. She is nearing her 16th birthday now. Nearly 10 years since both of those events took place. God knew she needed to be here on this earth for a while longer to be my annoying little sister for a while yet. :) I love that kid.

Church family reached out ceaslessly in 2009. Because our van had obviously been totaled in the accident, another family in our church lent us their van to use until we could find a new vehicle. A meal train set up and the families of the church were there to encourage my parents as they dealt with the problem of finding a new vehicle, taking care of a newborn, bringing my older brother home from the hospital, and dealing with their three year old son with sleep trauma from the accident.

(Well, in between these hard years, 2 of my biological brothers were born. Myles (my miniature me <3 ) and Macheus. Myles was born a week (September 20) before the car accident that my other two brothers and father were involved in. He was a little bright spot in the midst of the chaos! Macheus was born February 2, 2013. Right after 2012, Macheus was very much a blessing of smiles and laughter!)

Our physical lives weren't altered, thanks to God's providential hand, but our spiritual relationships with God became a little deeper as we suddenly realized just how much He was involved in everything that happened. Every blessing during that tough time, and during others in our lives, always seemed to be coincidental. Forgive me if I sound sappy, but if you have been here and have been blessed in this way, you will know how much every little thing matters and has an affect on you even years later!

The people that I didn't see for a while due to our Church split did and did not come back into my life. God allowed me to reconnect with a few members of that congregation that would eventually be some of the greatest encouragements during the years of my life that I seemed to be asking the most questions. 

Though most of those girls dissolved  their contact with me at the time, I see two of them now from time to time, and it is a blessing to have reconnected with a few people and families from that church. One elderly woman is a special blessing to me as she was appointed to be my "prayer warrior" when another godly woman, that had been praying for me every day of her life (and was my childhood sunday school teacher), passed away. 

Sometimes I allow myself the joy of sitting quietly in prayer in the presence of God and wonder why He chose to place such wonderful women in my life (including these women and my mother) to encourage me, pray for me, and mentor me along this path of being a young woman in the present culture we find ourselves living in. I surely don't deserve this. It is something else I have that I will thank God for during both this thanksgiving season and the rest of my life.

I just wanted to pause a quick minute...if you don't have a "prayer warrior", and a person that keeps you in check and accountable, I encourage you to find that person! God will lead you, but you have to be willing to be lay it all down. God cannot provide someone to help you if you don't lay down your burdens and make yourself willing. 

(Believe me, I am talking just as much to myself as I am to you. Essentially, readers, you are reading my journal, and very few people in my life have done that! ;) )



Here's where it gets personal.

I think that the year that had the greatest impact on my spiritual life had to have been 2012. It was the icing on the "cake" of my faith.

God has a way of reaching those who are hardest to reach. And not that I wasn't saved, but I had begun to rely more on things I could see, touch, and physically hear rather than on a faith that I couldn't feel. I had faith in the beliefs of others, I tried to align myself up with other people, I began to compare my spirituality to that of others. It wasn't anyone's fault but my own, but God knew as well as I do now that I wasn't going to learn until I felt a few hard knocks. He needs me for a greater purpose than myself and He knew He couldn't bring out the good in my life until He chiseled away the pride, the concern that I wasn't good enough, and the inability to see how much He wanted to use me when I was standing in His way. He's still at it, I'm afraid. :)

My Mama says "People are always going to disappoint you." She's right, in a way, and then again God has a way of using people to let me know that there are those in this world that are the hands and feet of Christ.

Though there were those that told my sister they had a hard time being friends with me because we were so different, and others that simply disappeared from my life, there were at least 10 others besides that showed up as Jesus in my life when I needed them most and changed me. God kept me from feeling rejected by empowering me with the example of older Christian women that helped me see my errors in judgement of people and learn to perceive and act with grace.

So I am thankful for the hard knocks God put me through. I wouldn't trade them for all the good times in the world.

They are things that everyone goes through, but these are the events that shaped me personally. I am thankful that God has preserved my family.

We are thankful.

I am thankful for my ability to teach music and share that love with children and teens. Music is a part of my life; whether that is singing it or playing it. It is something that also defines my method of worship.

I am thankful to be able to express thoughts in written words. At this point, you've read a lot of my words (and it has taken HOURS and DAYS to write this post, trust me.). :)

I am thankful for the example of my parents who taught me the importance of hard work and diligence. More importantly, their part they played in leading my young soul to Jesus!

I am thankful for both my niece and nephew and the joy they bring to all of us.

I am thankful for being an American, and at present, I am free. I am going to do my part, whatever it takes, to keep it that way. #keepandbeararms #conservativerepublican #onenationunderGod ;)

I am thankful for my Grandmother's example, though short lived it was. Her passion for the unborn and the importance of their lives will always be my drive. I want to be a part of this movement for life.

I am thankful for every single irritating, loveable, laughable, and huggable member of my family. They keep me rolling, get me rolling, encourage me, keep me busy, and are always there.

This post was a jumble of thoughts organized in the only way they could be. In the order they happened. Life, like this post, is often difficult to follow. If we believe in Christ, the path will never be easy to determine or walk. That's ok though. It keeps life interesting!

I challenge all of you. Write all of this out. Your story. It's important that you remember what brought you to the present and what shaped you.

Now here are some scriptures that have shaped me over the years:

John 14:13-14 & 27

"And whatever you ask in My name, that I will do, that the Father may be glorifed in the Son. If you ask anything in My name, I will do it....Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."

Have peace that God will answer prayer.

Matthew 28:19-20

"Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age."

He is constantly walking beside us as we seek to do His will.

(And from the most well-worn section of my Bible,)

Proverbs 31:8

"Open your mouth for the speechless, In the cause of all who are appointed to die."

Choose life.

I hope that you have been somewhat encouraged by reading this. The story of how a sinful soul has been shaped and molded by Christ. Or look at it this way, the beginning of a story, just like yours, of a person who is being shaped for God's perfect plan.

Be Still. Be Thankful. Be Blessed.

And as it might be a while before I can write again, I wish you the best of Thanksgivings!