To Tell a Story....of Thankfulness (Part 2 of my previous post)

Long time, no chat.....whew! Life's a wild, crazy ride....

I'm editing this post from the comfort of my childhood bedroom...where I made my best memories, talked to Jesus on the roof, all of my favorite people, sat on my sister's beds late into the night when we should've been sleeping, and lovingly wrote things, prayed things, and created other things that were little pieces of myself I would give away to show people how much I loved them. It's also where I retreated after a fight, complained to the same Savior, and learned many of life's hard lessons. But it's all in how we perceive it...with bitter regret at the time and things we lost, or with a joyful thankfulness that makes us realize the grand gift that time itself really can be if we treat her with care; "stopping to smell the roses". 

A rose is such a picture of so many things, which is why I've adopted it as a symbol for my life and carry symbols of it around with me. Different colors of roses mean different things. Different parts of the rose relate to different aspects of life; the petals to the grand things that occur and the thorns that teach us appreciation. Orange and pink roses symbolize gratitude, red for love, and black roses for courage. Sometimes life requires us to react to situations, as believers, with all attributes. I've been told that doing so creates resilience in life. There was a time or two in my life I HATED that word. Resilience. :) But what they don't often tell you is that the gift of resilience is peace. Having courage and gratitude and choosing pure love for the people around you (family, friends, and others you interact with negatively or positively) in the face of something difficult is resilience, and it produces that "peace that passes all understanding". 

I wrote last time of my experiences, and that is largely what you will find here. I only ever mean to be a real person here in this space. That's largely why I will likely leave the name of this blog as "Real Talk" because that is all you will find. Raw discussion about Christ, life experience, and stories. I don't jump on the bandwagon of skirting the real stuff.

I haven't typed on this laptop since I wrote the last post. It has been living at my parents' house while I have spent the first few months in my own apartment. It had a different screen before now. The same one I had cried over college assignments in front of, navigated work drama on, and written resumes and cover letters on. Then my brother ensured, via the wrong end of a thrown pen, that my computer needed a new screen, and so I wiped the server clean and sent the computer on its way. So...new season....new post...new screen. :) 

Sometimes we need fresh vision, though. A blank slate. So we come back to the blank page, with a few more marks, colors, and memories we hold close to our hearts, and we start again. Shaped into something slightly different.

Throughout life, I have always seen experience as God holding a hammer and a chisel over my soul, in a loving and artistic fashion, creating something beautiful. At times in life, I saw his creation-in-progress as impressionism, because rarely do I understand what it is He is doing or trying to lovingly craft. I just know that it is something, and my job is to trust the Great Designer. Because if I look around at the beautiful physical examples of His touch, and the spiritual examples of stories He has written with people's lives when they fully surrender to His touch, it is easy to see the reward. 

But oftentimes we can and often do fall into the trap of believing in His goodness....for others and not ourselves. That maybe we are in a glass box looking out at the passersby, and we are only ever meant to watch His goodness play out for others and not us. In the middle of September, a woman lovingly chastised me with her words of wisdom that I carry with me now. Something along the lines of "You can't pray boldly for others if you aren't doing it for yourself," and she meant it in the sense that I can't hold others to a higher standard of growth and repair than I do myself. Not that I ever meant that, but it came with the territory of not showing God that I believed in His power to grow and continually shape and mold me the same way I prayed He would do for others. It matched the mantra my mother had taught me growing up, of "You can't pour from an empty cup." So in order for me to be an effective sister in Christ for others, there was something I had to adjust in my own life first. And it started with believing in how God had already been good rather than how I wanted Him to be.

Brokenness can become a pattern if we allow it to continue. And though God had helped me work through some brokenness in certain areas of my life and brought me out of seasons I, praise Him, no longer live in, there are pieces I've left lying around of things I'm not sure I can pick up. There is an insecurity that I battle daily. I lay it down at His feet daily. Often several times in day. Because it's heavy. 

One way I combat the inability to pick up what only Christ can is with a consistent spirit of thankfulness. It refreshes a naturally hopeless mind to remember how much He has already done. Because very rarely do we focus on prior victory when we are in a season where we are consistently challenged to grow, become, and be. Which is exactly what God is calling me to. A more disciplined and godly woman who believes in the promises of her Creator even when her belief in them is tested past her limits.

"for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."

James 1:3-4

"I know that You can do all things, and that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted."

Job 42:2~

So in a spirit of thankfulness.....

My upbringing was extremely blessed. I have always had two biological parents that loved me, cared for me, and raised me up in the fear and admonition of the Lord himself. They presented me with the worldview that was rooted deeply in the Word of God, always ensuring I knew my "whys" instead of just the "whats"  of the tenants of my faith. That is huge. And if I had nothing else, I would be extremely blessed even still. 

I am blessed with the circle I have and the company I get to keep. I have posted before that you are the sum total of the 5 people you keep closest to you in your circle. I know my five. And my life has been changed more positively by them all. To those people, I say the most heartfelt thank you. Thank you for being a part of my life, and I am incredibly blessed by you. 

"For as in one body we have many members, and the members do not all have the same function, so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another."

Romans 12:4-5

The people who are a consistent part of my life have been given to me as a source of encouragement. But often, we tend to mourn what we lose more than we consider what we have. God is calling me to a deeper understanding and acceptance of that as well.

My life is both loud and quiet. I have been blessed with the gift of choice. I live alone now and have the blessing of independence and learning more about life in the sphere of having to problem solve on my own. However, I have the incredible gift of people who respond. Communicate. Come alongside. Guidance. The offering of prayer, wisdom, and help. It's a huge blessing I do not take for granted, and I have learned to stop midwalk sometimes in my apartment, surrounded by friends, or out in nature, and just look around and smile. Gratefulness has been a long lesson in learning, and the blessings I now have have been long prayed for. 

The blessing of reflection. I know where I've been. Some people know more about that journey than others, and even still, I don't share the darkest parts in the name of not rehashing what God has redeemed. But God saw them, He was there, and He's here now. Many of us have been in the place where we sat in our mess on the floor of a private space, in the driver's seat of a car (my car has heard the best and worst of me), in the floor of an empty sanctuary. Crying tears harder than we've ever cried before. But isn't it amazing how He redeems even those moments?! Where we cry tears of sadness, God also gives us the opportunity to laugh, to smile, and to cry tears of joy. I imagine His smile sometimes when I smile, because there was a time(s) in my life I physically couldn't. There are so many blessings beyond reflection wrapped up in my testimony. But it is a skill God teaches with time. I wasn't at the time, but I was admonished to "be proud" by someone once. Not in a self-praising way but proud that God decided I could be someone He could teach strength to. Like something we're chosen for. So now, instead of prayers for the removal of the hard, I pray that He grows me with the experience so that I never feel like I'm drowning. 

"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."

Hebrews 11:1

I am thankful for Jesus!! Cliche, corny, I don't care. I am thankful. Thankful He chose the gift of eternal life for me when He submitted to the weight, responsibility, pain, and death on the cross. He descended into hell, endured separation from God the Father on our behalf, bore the weight of all that mankind has ever carried or ever will carry on His shoulders, and in the Goodness that only comes from a God like ours, rose three days later declaring VICTORY over death, hell and the grave and in so doing offering us the opportunity to have the same spirit of Victory without enduring the cross and shame we so ardently deserve. He is my hope. He is my strength. He is my JOY! And I rejoice and believe in God my Father, not only because of what He has done to manifest Himself in my life, but because of who He is and has always been. Holy. Just. Loving. Good.

This is my testimony, this is my Joy, and as I embark on a holiday season with some scattered unknowns and hopeful and tentative "what's nexts", He is my peace. 

"Peace I leave with you. My peace I give unto you. Not as the world gives, do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."

John 14:27

Thank you, Jesus. 

Madeline Grace~